My employer in St. Louis signed on to do some work with a company in Honolulu. No doubt due to a clerical error, I was picked as part of the first group to go out. I put an earlier version of this guide together for the benefit of people being sent from the Midwest to Hawaii for a few months at a time, or for the ones just considering it and wondering what they’d be getting themselves into.
There are plenty of travel guides to Hawaii, and it’s certainly worth reading at least one of them. Oahu Revealed, for instance, is highly recommended. But most of them are focused on things a tourist would want to do rather than nuts-and-bolts things for living your life. And none of them were written by me.
Note: this guide is highly specific to Honolulu and Oahu, since that’s where I stayed and worked. This is not to say it’s useless for the rest of Hawaii, just that if you’re going to be going to Maui, or even if you’re getting stationed at Pearl Harbor, your mileage may vary.
Hawaii, a very quick overview
Hawaii, the Aloha State, is an archipelago consisting of eight major islands.
Oahu is the most populous one. It’s the one with Honolulu, Pearl Harbor, the bulk of the homeless people, and the only island with anything resembling a night life.
Kauai, AKA the Jurassic Park island, has a rural feel and densest foliage.
Maui is more populous than Kauai and more rugged than Oahu, and has way more visitors from the mainland than from abroad.
The Big Island (also confusingly known as Hawaii) is the only island that has active volcanoes.
Molokai was once home to Hawaii’s leper colony and St. Damien of Molokai. It’s the island that’s the least developed for tourism.
Lanai is home of the Four Seasons and that’s about it. It’s 97% owned by Larry Ellison. If you’ve ever wanted to inform him personally that Oracle sucks, this might be the place to make that happen.
Niihau is off-limits to visitors unless you’re invited. If you score an invite, please let everyone know how you did that.
Kahoolawe was, until recently, used by the military for target practice. It’s entirely uninhabited and off-limits and doubtlessly scattered with unexploded munitions. So I doubt you’re missing much.
As for Oahu itself, since it’s kind of a weird rhombus shape, they have somewhat fuzzy definitions of the parts of the island. Roughly speaking, the eastern side of the island is the Windward side, the west side is the Leeward side. The North Shore extends from the northern tip of the island and to the west. For completeness, the part with Honolulu and Pearl Harbor is sometimes called the South Shore.
Preparing Yourself
Please don’t read this guide and then assume you’re totally ready to go to Hawaii. Do some research.
Books
Hawaii
I mentioned Oahu Revealed in the introduction. There are guides to other islands, so if you’re going to be spending most of your time somewhere else, pick up the guide for that island.
If you would like to read up on history (and you probably should), Captive Paradise comes recommended, unless you value your faith in the overall decency of humankind. Hawaiian history, especially in the 19th century, is pretty much a nonstop series of people being horrible to each other, and there’s a real dearth of “Good Guys”. The repercussions are still being felt today.
Fiction
Hawaii, by James Michener is polarizing by the types who are usually polarized by things. It is, however, well-researched and generally accurate.
The book version of The Descendants is considered way better than the movie version with George Cloony by people who have actually read the thing. However, I can’t read, so obviously I have only seen the movie. (The movie was quite good, by the way.)
Outdoor Recreation
- If you like hiking, The Hikers Guide to Oahu comes recommended.
- If you’re into bird watching — and who isn’t? — there’s A Photographic Guide to the Birds of Hawaii, or this book from the Hawaii Audubon Society is really terrific.
Otherwise, you should probably just stick with Google or your own resources. Like if you’re into rock climbing, you’ll probably be able to sort yourself out better than I could.
People
If you have any questions, send me a message. My answer will probably be either “I don’t know” or “I have no idea”. However, I might be able to put you in touch with someone.
For instance, I know a guy who once worked as a tour guide on the North Shore, pointing out interesting Hawaiian flora. So if you want some pointers on how to spot the kukui nut tree, he’s probably got some pointers.
Also, if you have a hotel picked out already, you can call the hotel and ask for the concierge. It’s what those people are paid for.
Websites
- Yelp If there’s one website that will help ensure successful living in Hawaii, it’s Yelp.
- Unreal Hawaii Excellent photography and ideas of places to check out. Like Goat Island, which sadly I did not make it to. They also break down hiking opportunities breaks down the hiking opportunities for Oahu and other islands.
- Or you can ask Mr. Google about “off limits” hikes if you’re feeling really adventurous.
Things Worth Knowing
Crime
Violent crime is rare but petty crime is fairly common. If you go for a swim, don’t leave your phone or anything else of value laying around and expect to find it when you get back. This also includes things like flip flops. (In Hawaii they are called “slippahs”.)
It’s true. If you leave those fancy name-brand slippahs on the beach to go wade in the ocean, you might come back and they’ll be gone. Then you’ll have to walk back to your car or the hotel (or the closest ABC store) barefoot.
Pro tip: Buy the cheapest pair of slippahs you can find at the ABC store when you first arrive. The thieves tend to be less interested in the junky slippahs.
On a possibly related note, meth is apparently a big problem in the islands. Hawaii seems to be a few years behind the mainland, so they haven’t gotten around to switching over to heroin like everywhere else.
The homeless are ubiquitous on Oahu, but I haven’t heard about anyone having any trouble with them. Other than the one time when an obese homeless woman flashed passing traffic and also me, as I happened to be walking down the other side of the street. I’m still somewhat traumatized.
The Hawaiian Language
Words in Hawaiian can be intimidating in their length, but it’s actually very easy to read. The consonants are exactly like English. The vowels are pretty close to what they are in Spanish:
A => like the “a” in “above”
E => like the “e” in “aid and abet”
I => like the “ee” in “Peeps™”
O => like the “oh” in “Oh!”
U => like the “oo” in “smooth”
You pronounce all the vowels. There’s a road called “Likelike Hwy”. It does not rhyme with “Mike-Mike”. It’s pronounced lee-kay-lee-kay”. Please remember you’re representing your home and the mainland in general, so try not to seem like a total hayseed.
If you see two vowels together, you kind of mush the sound together. Linguists call this a “dipthong”, which is a very funny word when you think about it. Take the “ai” in “Waikiki”, which is pronounced kinda like “why-key-key”.
The upside-down apostrophe is called an ʻokina. This indicates a break between two vowels. For the state fish of Hawaii, “humuhumunukunukuapuaʻa”, you pronounce the last two letters like “ah-ah”.
Sometimes the ʻokina is omitted, especially between two of the same vowel, so keep that in mind.
Here’s a more proper description
As for Hawaiian words, here’s a glossary:
- Aloha: Hello, goodbye
- Mahalo: Thank you
- Pau hana: Literally, this means “finished working”, but it connotes that it’s now time for relaxation, companionship, and possibly a beverage. There’s no direct English equivalent. Probably the closest thing would be “Miller Time”, only without the Miller beer part. #champaignofbeersmyass #anheuserbusch4lyfe
(If you have no idea what this “Miller Time” thing is, it’s what’s going on at the end of this commercial.
If you’re asking for directions, you might get one of these:
- Makua: Toward the ocean.
- Makai: Toward the mountains (i.e. inland)
That’s pretty much all you need. In fact, if you try using anything other than these, you run the risk of offending someone. The Hawaiian language has a very strong connection to a particular culture which (I’m assuming) you aren’t a part of. Kind of like Yiddish. So figure out where the line is between “respectful interest” and “cultural appropriation” and try to stay on the right side of it.
Actually, there’s one other Hawaiian word you might should know, in case it comes up: “haole” (pronounced “howl-lee”). This originally referred to people who are not descended from native Hawaiians, but now usually refers just to white people. Depending on the context, it’s either descriptive or pejorative.
The Shaka
The shaka sign is the hand gesture where you make a fist and stick out your thumb and pinkie. This sign can be used as a greeting, or sometimes it’s used as a kind of apology. Like after good-humored teasing, you might use the shaka sign to say, “No hard feelings, just messing with you”. Or if you accidentally cut off someone in traffic, you would use the shaka to say, “I didn’t see you there. I am an assface. Please don’t hate me or let this ruin your day.”
People of Hawaii
The Hawaiians are generally very friendly. People say that a Hawaiian person will invite you to a cookout within 30 seconds of meeting you. This literally happened to me and I can vouch for it.
Some people say this is only happens if your spirit is in tune with the islands. Maybe so. Although I met these particular people at a meeting of Satanists. We Satanists are a tight-knit community and that may actually have more to do with it than them being Hawaiian. Or possibly my spirit is, in fact, in tune with Hawaii and therefore Hawaii is the domain of Satan.
All that said, you do need to be careful. If you get out of Waikiki and explore, notably if you make your way to the Windward (i.e. west) side of Oahu, you will discover that there are spots that cater to locals and the locals may prefer to have the place to themselves. So if you’re somewhere and you perceive an unwelcome feeling from the people around you, trust your instincts and find another place.
Unless you’re like me and don’t have any such instincts. In which case, hopefully the locals are also fellow Satanists.
Island Time
“Island Time” means if you’re invited to something that allegedly starts at 5 p.m., people might not show up until 6 or 7. Including the host. Some people might call this “being late”, but that’s not a very nice way of putting it.
Overall, the people in Hawaii have a relaxed, unhurried way of doing things. If you walk into a place and expect people to start scurrying around just because you showed up, you’ll probably be disappointed. I recommend you learn to embrace Island Time. You’ll find your level of stress goes down dramatically.
Notable Hawaiians
- Marcus Mariota — Heisman Trophy winner, former Oregon Ducks and current Tennessee Titans quarterback. In case you’re wondering why someone in Honolulu is wearing a Titans jersey, that’s probably it.
- Kolten Wong — St. Louis Cardinals second baseman
- Bruno Mars — If you have strong feelings about Bruno Mars, you should probably keep them to yourself. Unless your feelings are positive, in which case, go to town.
- Don Ho — whoever that is
- Jason Momoa — the guy who played Khal Drogo. This is noteworthy because one time I was walking around Waikiki beach and saw a bunch of guys who I thought might be Dothraki. It turns out they were not, in fact, Dothraki. The fact that they didn’t have horses should have been my first clue. Anyway, be on the lookout for that.
Quarantine
Hawaii is rabies-free and would like to keep it that way. As such, all animals have to be quarantined for 120 days (four months) months at your expense. Even if they have had shots. And don’t try saying to the inspector, “How could a face this adorable be rabid?!” Apparently this doesn’t work.
There’s a way to get a five-day-or-less quarantine, but you’ll need to plan ahead at least four months in advance to qualify, and it is not cheap.
Info here including how to qualify for the 5-day-or-less quarantine.
Aloha Shirts
You know how in Canada, they call Canadian Bacon “back bacon”? Well, they do and now you know.
In Hawaii, what mainland types might call a “Hawaiian shirt”, they call an “aloha shirt”. What’s more, people in Hawaii actually wear them all the time. Even young people. What’s more, they do it completely unironically.
Pro tip: if you want to pick one up, the best place to do so is a thrift store in Hawaii. You can find the fancy high-dollar 100% silk ones for like $8 at Goodwill.
If you can’t get to a thrift store, you can still find the nicer shirts at discount places like Nordstrom Rack.
If you want the not-silk, made in China variety, go to Duke’s Marketplace, on Dukes Lane between Kalakaua and Kuhio in Waikiki, around the corner from Macy’s.
Using Chopsticks
Quite often at Asian restaurants — and there are a lot of Asian restaurants — they will not give you a fork. So if you don’t want to be the person sheepishly asking the waiter for a fork — who will undoubtedly fail to understand you so you have to ask even louder and have more people hear your secret shame — you need to learn how to use chopsticks.
Here’s a video Go to the Asian market and get yourself a pair. Practice with some grapes. Or, you know, some Chinese food, maybe.
Flying
Jet lag is serious business, especially when there’s a four or five hour difference. Even under the best of circumstances, you should assume you’ll be tired and your mind will be moving way slower than usual for a week when you get there, and then for a week when you get home.
If you can sleep on a plane, take the red-eye, i.e. the flight that leaves at night and gets there in the morning. If you can’t, stick with the daytime flight.
When you do get to Hawaii, you might be tempted to check into the hotel and take a nap, but try to stay awake until your usual bedtime on Hawaii Time, like 10 p.m. This will hopefully help reset your internal clock.
If you’re sufficiently tired, you might even sleep a whole night. Or you might wake up at 3 in the morning and be unable to get back to sleep. Stick with staying up until bedtime and eventually you’ll get into a normal sleep schedule.
When you get back to the mainland, you’ll have the opposite problem — it’ll be bedtime and your body will be just getting ready for a night out. Especially if you take a daytime flight and you get back at 10:30 p.m.
Hopefully you’ll be exhausted from the flight and just pass out. If not, melatonin works. It might give you strange dreams, which is either a bug or a feature, depending on your opinion of strange dreams.
Getting Around
Each method of getting around has its advantages and perils.
On Foot
Pedestrians rule the roads around Honolulu. Cars will come to a screeching halt and wait patiently for however long it take you to make your way across the street. However do not under any circumstances jaywalk.
Peer pressure might take care of this for you, since seriously nobody in Hawaii jaywalks. But just in case you’re used to darting across the street whenever there’s a brief gap in the traffic, there are two good reasons not to jaywalk.
First, the level of courtesy that people extend to pedestrians is only true for pedestrians in crosswalks when they have white Go sign. If you aren’t in a crosswalk, or you don’t have the Go sign, a car can come flying out of nowhere and smear you across the pavement. Driving in Honolulu is stressful and traffic is a nightmare (see below) so cars tend to gun it wherever they have the right of way.
Second, the ticket for jaywalking is $130. And it is enforced. They can even give you a ticket if you start crossing the street when the light is showing the orange hand and the countdown.
So stick with the crosswalks and wait for the White Walker before you start crossing the street.
Also, don’t look at your phone while crossing the street. That’s another thing they can give you a ticket for.
The obvious downside of walking is that it takes longer than any other way of getting around. And while the weather is typically very temperate, it’s also often humid. If you’re one of those people for whom humidity + exertion = sweaty, you might consider a different way of getting around.
Uber/Lyft
Uber and Lyft work great and they’ll take you from one end of Oahu to the other (for a price).
Bear in mind that the streets around Honolulu and especially Waikiki are often one-way or else they don’t allow cars to stop. So if you’re at a hotel, you might ask the front desk where they recommend for a pickup spot.
Driving
Cars can be rented from the usual Avis, Enterprise, Hertz, etc. Alternately, you can use Turo. Turo is like AirBnb, only for people’s cars. I recommend Turo. It’s vastly cheaper, and if you rent someone’s eight year old Toyota Corolla, you’ll look way less like a tourist.
The big downside of Turo is that the logistics of renting are pretty much left for the renter and the owner to sort out. If the owner is flaky or operates on Island Time, you might be stuck waiting around for pickup or drop-off. Or they might just cancel on you abruptly. Read the comments and reviews carefully before renting.
Also, most people want you to have the car clean before you drop it off, and there are like four car washes in all of Honolulu. So you’ll have to budget time to get that figured out.
Once you have the car, there’s the issue of where to park it. Parking is at a huge premium in Honolulu, and most other places on Oahu. If you’re staying at a hotel, they’ll probably have some kind of valet lot which will probably not be cheap.
The Uber drivers make it look easy, but getting from point A to point B in Honolulu in under an hour is tricky. If you allow GPS to pick your route, you’re less likely to get lost, but you’re pretty much guaranteeing yourself the longest, most congested way there. Find a map of Honolulu and read it. Then try taking some side roads that point you toward your destination.
(You kids might have to find someone over 40 to show you know how maps work when they’re on paper and you don’t just type in the destination.)
Unless you park your car surrounded by well-armed people and razor wire, work under the assumption that it’s going to be broken into. Remove everything of value before leaving your car anywhere (day or night). And then leave your car unlocked. If someone wants to look for stuff in your car, they’re going to get into it. If you leave it unlocked, at least they won’t smash a window getting into it.
If you really have to leave something in your car (like you’re going to the beach and want to stash your wallet somewhere), try see if you can lock the trunk and leave the rest of the car unlocked. And make sure you stash your things before you get to the beach, so potential thieves aren’t watching you hiding things.
In town, drivers in Hawaii are incredibly courteous to each other and always willing to let the other person in, even if he’s clearly done something boneheaded. I encourage you to adopt this attitude; it’s way better for your blood-pressure. And considering there are people in from all over the world, the other drivers are often doing something you think is boneheaded boneheaded, so you might as well just accept it. Also, um, I was that bonehead on several occasions, so it’s only fair.
On the highway, this peaceful aloha attitude vanishes. The lanes are incredibly narrow and the congestion is appalling. If you show any sign of weakness, the stronger ones will kill you and feast on your corpse. Also, motorcycles tend to weave in and out of traffic, and if you hit one of them, it’ll mean lots of paperwork. So watch out for those people.
Bikes
There are several places to rent bikes for an hour/day/week (ask Yelp). Also, there’s a bike share program called Biki. They’ve got locations all over Honolulu.
A one-way ride is $3.50 or they sell an assortment of passes. You pay with your credit card at the machine, unlock a bike, ride to wherever you’re going, then drop off at a location near where you’re going.
Bikes exist in this gray area between cars and pedestrians. The lanes in Honolulu are very narrow. You can try to ride in the street, but you might end up with a bus driving two feet behind you. Bike lanes are few, and where they exist, they tend to just be a bike painted on a regular lane.
Side streets are greatly encouraged. Unfortunately, there’s a canal that runs north of Waikiki and the bridges are all very busy streets. So at some point you’ll probably end up surrounded by traffic.
And be aware that riding on the sidewalk is not allowed in business districts like Waikiki and downtown Honolulu.
The one time I rode a bike, I ended up on the sidewalk along one of the busier roads to cross the canal. The problem is that streets with lots of cars also tend to have lots of pedestrians, who also need to cross the canal. It was very slow-going.
So your mileage may vary on that. (No pun intended)
Mopeds
A less terrifying way around town might be to rent a moped. (Many of the bike rental places on Yelp also rent mopeds) They’re cheaper than renting a car and you don’t need a motorcycle license if they’re under 50cc.
You can only park in designated motorcycle spots, but those are a lot easier to come by than spots for cars.
You’re limited by the fact that, due to the laws of physics, you can’t go over 35 mph and you can’t go on the Interstate. The good news is there’s nowhere on Oahu that’s only accessible by taking the Interstate.
I know of one guy who rented a moped and drove all the way to the North Shore on it. The back roads don’t really lend themselves to going much faster than 35 mph whatever you’re driving.
If you have a motorcycle license, you can get a scooter, which is over 50cc. These you can drive on the highway, but I would strongly recommend against it.
Of course, if you have a motorcycle license you can also rent, you know, a motorcycle
A Sidebar
Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Wait, did that guy just say there are Interstate highways in Hawaii? How can an archipelago separated from the closest state by over 1000 miles of ocean possibly have an ‘Interstate’ highway?”
Never mind about that. It does.
(The full story is that the Interstate highway system was originally created for the purposes of military mobilization, in case the Reds launched a land invasion and we had to move troops or supplies from one coast to the other. If you notice, the terminal points of all the Interstate highways on Oahu are some kind of base. The Marine Corp, the Army, etc.)
The Bus
A one-way bus fare is a mere $2.50. Furthermore, the buses travel all over the island. You can get on a bus in Honolulu and it’ll drop you off at the Banzai Pipeline on the North Shore.
Granted, this trip will take 2+ hours, but still. It’s only $2.50. And driving straight there would still take you an hour. Although I have no idea if they’ll let you bring a surfboard.
No change is given, so if all you have is a five, be a good sport and pickup the fare for the person behind you.
In case you’ve never noticed, Google Maps has transit directions. Enter your start and destination and click on the light rail icon. It’ll tell you the bus number to take and how often it comes by. Click “Schedule explorer” and it’ll list several options and departure times.
If you decide to take the bus during morning commute time, the buses can get very crowded around commute time and you might have to stand squished up against other people. You might be into that sort of thing, but I myself found it a bit claustrophobic.
What to Wear When You’re Out and About
If you’ve never felt uncomfortable about being overdressed, Hawaii is the place to make this happen. You can go into the fanciest, most pricey place in Waikiki and people will be wearing bathing suits and just enough covering to pass the health code, or maybe shorts and slippahs, possibly jeans and a threadbare aloha shirt. About the only thing you won’t see is a man wearing a jacket or tie, or dark colors in general. Unless it’s a guy who just got married and is taking the mandatory sunset-on-the-beach pictures.
So really, wear whatever you want, and when in doubt, go with the less dressy option.
Don’t Forget to Bring…
- Sunscreen — like SPF 7000 or something
- Sunglasses — since sunscreen is not for use on the eyes
- Mosquito repellent — in case you go for a hike
But if you forget anything, there’s always Walmart.
Where to Stay
Where you stay is, of course, up to you. Here are things to consider:
Waikiki
Most of the hotels in Honolulu are in Waikiki. There are dozens of them. It’s highly competitive and you can probably get a good deal if you shop around. And since most of the hotels are there, that means it has most of the tourists, the restaurants, the shops, and the most vibrant night life. Seriously, you can walk out of your hotel (any hotel) and there are about 10 places to eat within a block in any direction.
On the downside, I discovered that the restaurants are at least 50% more expensive in Waikiki than anywhere else. And then there’s the vibrancy. This was fun initially and at some point, I would have preferred for everyone to go away.
Ala Moana
The Ala Moana Hotel is about halfway between Waikiki and downtown. While not quite as bustling as Waikiki, the Ala Moana Center probably has the densest concentration of restaurants outside of Waikiki.
Some of the rooms have a kitchenette, and since there’s a Foodland grocery store a few blocks away, you can probably save on food. Or you can get a room without a kitchenette and get a hotplate and skillet from Walmart, which is also within walking distance. Or you learn to make poke and eat nothing but that. Poke is raw, after all.
The beach is across a very busy street, but still very close.
Full disclosure: I didn’t stay there, but I have a vivid imagination.
AirBnb
Well, this is certainly an option. However, one thing to consider is that Hawaii is a tropical location, and being in the tropics means cockroaches. Really, though, the cockroaches aren’t nearly the concern as 7-inch long venomous centipedes. (Good news:it probably won’t kill you if you get bitten. Bad news: you’ll probably wish you were dead.)
So, if you go the AirBnb route, make sure you read the description and reviews carefully! You’ll notice the word “clean” comes up a lot. A lot of places for rent are rooms on people’s houses, which probably means they’ve been fumigated. Probably.
AirBnb also does sublets and seem to have several in easy walking distance from the office. (Ala Moana Hotel occasionally lists here)
As you’re searching, you should consider if the place provides somewhere to park a car.
Further Afield
The next-closest town is Kailua. It’s very nice and way quieter than Honolulu. It’s got a Whole Paycheck, so they’re doing something right.
You might consider this for a weekend getaway. This guy is renting a tent in his back yard. If you were hoping to live there full-time and commute to Honolulu in the morning, you will have to choose between having a car and figuring out where to park it and suffering through traffic, or taking the bus an hour each way.
J’s Opinion
Book two weeks at the Ala Moana Hotel and get acclimated to Island Living. It’s easier to get around from there than from Waikiki, and it’s got a grocery store, a Walmart, and a massive mall with a Fendi store and Hot Topic. You know, in case you want to get a Rick and Morty t-shirt and pair it with a $700 belt.
If you get bored in the evening, there are about 70 bus routes that go between Ala Moana and Waikiki, as well as Uber. Get in line at Marukame Udon and see what all the fuss is about.
By the time your reservation is up, you’ll know as much as I did when I put this guide together, and you can decide what you want to do next.
Amusing Yourself
Oahu is a vacation destination and if you’re having trouble keeping yourself amused, there may be no hope for you. But in case you need some pointers, here are a few.
The Beach
The beach is the star of the show in Hawaii. Furthermore, there are like a dozen beaches just on Oahu, each with their own unique charms. Which one you’d like is a matter of your personal taste. Oahu Revealed and Mr. Google have a breakdown of all the beaches on the island.
The waves are legendary on the North Shore in the winter and fairly sedate in the summer. The South Shore is the opposite and generally has bigger swells than the North Shore in the summer, although they’re not exactly legendary.
So depending on what you want to do, you could try your hand at kayaking, snorkeling, surfing, laying there working on your tan, or wading in and letting the waves lap over your ankles.
My favorite was Waimea Bay on the North Shore, which had lovely water, an assortment of fish and turtles swimming about, and a two story rock you can jump off of and (probably) not injure yourself (too badly).
The U.S.S. Arizona
A visit to Pearl Harbor is on almost everyone’s list. Therefore it’s incredibly busy on the weekend. If you have a weekday off (that isn’t a day off for everyone else), you might consider visiting then. Otherwise get there early.
A guided tour is recommended. For many reasons. Just trust me on this.
Other Things to Do in Oahu
- Diamond Head: You can walk here or take Uber. The view from the top is spectacular.
- Tantalus Lookout: If walking isn’t exactly your thing, you can find this place on Google Maps and drive to it. It’s an extremely harrowing drive up but the view is spectacular.
- Payphones: They have working payphones all over Oahu. Try one out and pretend it’s 1990! Call a friend and ask about last night’s episode of 90201. Oh my Gawd, can you believe what a bitch Brenda is?!
- A luau: These are apparently very corny, but some people love them. I didn’t go and has no opinion.
- Shoot Guns: Fire off some rounds on the .50 Beowulf at the Hawaii Gun Club. They have a variety of packages for your shooting enjoyment.
- Valley of the Temples: If you want something more serene, visit the Valley of Temples on the Windward Side. It features the Byodo-In Temple, which is a replica of a 950 year old temple in Japan.
- The Dole Plantation: I didn’t go and again have no comment. However, this does feature the world’s biggest hedge maze, with hedges eight feet tall. If it ever snowed in Oahu, you could reenact that last scene from The Shining there.
- Driving Around: Or just go exploring! Get out of Waikiki. Strike up a conversation with strangers and see if maybe they’ll invite you to a cookout.
Island Hopping
To get to another island, you fly out of HNL. Airfares are anywhere from $30 to $100 each way, depending on how far in advance you buy the tickets.
I didn’t leave Oahu, so that’s about all I know about that. Some other people visited some other islands. One guy went to the Big Island and lived out his dream of seeing an active volcano.
Which reminds me of what Jack Handey said, “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.”
Eating
If you’re from one of those square states in Flyover Country and you think you don’t like fish, you should try it in Hawaii. It’s possible you’ve never had anything that hasn’t been frozen for the last three months.
For starters, try poke! If you aren’t familiar with it, poke (pronounced like the first two syllables of “pokemon”) is raw fish prepared with a vinegar and soy sauce-based marinate, and tossed with onions, seaweed, and assorted other toppings. It’s often served as some kind of rice bowl.
Don’t give me that look. Just try it! You might like it.
If you hate vegetables, I have good news for you! Raw vegetables are really hard to come by at any restaurant. Sometimes they’ll throw something on some kind of bland bagged salad mix, but generally it’s all fruit, meat, and fish. If you do start missing vegetables, find a grocery store. Foodland or Safeway are very nice and while more expensive than on the mainland, their prices aren’t completely insane.
Other than that, the food you get at restaurants is very good and very light. If you don’t feel like a meal is satisfying if it’s not extremely greasy and leaves you feeling gross and full of self-loathing, you’ll probably be disappointed.
(You wouldn’t think you’d miss that feeling, but after a couple weeks, I found myself thinking that I could go for a Scotch Egg or something.)
That said, you can hardly go wrong eating about anywhere. The Japanese is excellent. The Korean is also excellent. The Chinese is very good, although it doesn’t quite reach the operatic heights that the Japanese or Korean does. Even the generic bar food was delicious.
And for dessert, try Dole Whip. A long-time staple at Disney World, you can find this in several locations, including the Walgreens, of all places. It’s a taste sensation!
If You Just Had One Day of Free Time…
Here’s my pick:
The best breakfast I ever had was at a place called Over Easy in Kailua. The poached eggs were perfect.
If you have one day to work with, rent a car, take H1 West until you get to H3 East. It’s out of the way to come this way, but H3 is a marvel of civil engineering, and it cost something like $80M per mile. So you owe it to yourself to see your taxpayer dollars at work.
Have breakfast at Over Easy and go to Goodwill up the street and see if they have some good Aloha shirts in your size. Then, assuming you can find a parking spot, go for a swim at Lanakai Beach to work off some of the calories you just consumed.
Hose yourself off, get back in the car, then drive up Kamehameha Hwy and around the top of the island. Stop by Elephant Truck in Haleiwa. Seriously the best Thai food I’ve ever had by a mile. Drive down Kamehameha Hwy to Waimea Bay and depending on how adventurous you’re feeling, either jump off that rock mentioned above or head into Waimea Valley and take a leisurely walk to the waterfall.
Then get back in your car and drive back to town. If you time it right, you can watch the sun set over Waikiki beach. Cap the day off with a Dole Whip.
Your Assistance
As I mentioned in the intro, I have only been to Oahu and only for two weeks. If you notice anything that is wrong or that’s done differently at other islands, please let me know!
Acknowledgments
Several people lent substantial assistance to this document, all of whom are kept anonymous because I’m pretty sure they don’t want their names associated with this thing. But y’all know who you are. Thanks!
